mariposasabrosa

It gives me bad vibes. It does; it gives me bad vibes. I feel like I'm walking into a place that could be festering with alcoholism and disease. And yet, even when I'm in those glam places, I feel the same way; except people are prettier.

I need to stop going to bars with this girl. I don't even drink anymore. I'm too bored with it!

You'd think I was in love with her. But, I think she just reminds me of my childhood. I knew her from childhood, you see, and we spent years apart and just reunited in the beginning of 2009.

Bad karma, though.

My mom. She's a really cool person. She used her head, she listened. It as hard. But she did it!!!!!!!!!!!!

Colombiaaaa! and Wayne LOL

The best sex scene ever, and I'll tell you why right after the actual text:

( Madonna's lesbian ramblings... NC17, so be careful. )

Just had my first Cheesy Gordita Crunch from Taco Bell! With Bree :)

Now, I have to be a publicist from now, 12:30 a.m. to 3 p.m. tomorrow.

Then? Conquer the whole fucking world. And fuck your tacos!

'Cause living in a dream of you and me
Is not the way my life should be!
I don't want to cry a tear for you,
So forgive me if I do... :'(

If only you were here tonight,
I know that we'd make it right



Always and forever, you and me--
that's the way our life should be!
I'd do anything, I'd give you my world
I'd wait forever to be your girl...

from here: http://www.politicalcompass.org/test

Thx Jibril, Rafa, Micha and Uri<3



...you guys never, ever fail me. Ever.

One day, I'll get to give you flowers and kisses, For now, you have my heart! :)

(the actual angels, not the Angel Sanctuary characters LOL)

You know, just because I don't do something the way you would like me to doesn't mean I'm lazy. Obviously, I'm your most intelligent student, because I get A's on everything. Give the ego up.

I fucking hate public relations, have I mentioned? Get me out, get me out!

...I think I just don't like the whole force-my-organization-on-you thing. Look-how-cool-I-am-plz-write-kthx. I think PR is necessary, I just don't think I'm the one to do it.

I'm scared. Stop scaring me!

Colombia in a month! Colombia; Bogota; Ximena; the London-fashion; the crisp weather; the sun and the mountains; the coffee and the wood; the Cathedrals... My life, my soul. My language.

Funny, I don't look like my Colombian side. I look like a Mick. I mean, maybe I have the smile and the personality of my family, but... I don't fit in there. I hate it. I don't want to look like my father, who I never knew. I don't. I want to have a square-shaped face like my grandmother, with my mom's caramel eyes and my aunt's golden complexion. I want to have thick, dark hair-- not blonde curls. I love my green eyes, but I can't see anyone in them when I look in the mirror. Do I have brothers and sisters somewhere in the world? Do they look like me?

Class is over early.

OMG, I smell like hairspray and denim and cigarettes and musk and boys, boys, boys! My friend Matt had his birthday party last night at Rush (so I didn't end up seeing Julie or Anna or Lilian) and there were about 200 beautiful gay boys dancing to my favorite music: Madonna, GaGa, Britney, Shakira, Black Eyed Peas, Beyonce, Rihanna, Michael (RIP), Kanye and everyone!

Naturally, I touched them all. Wow. No, you know those times when you're drunk and you say, 'I don't know what I was doing!'? ... I don't have that excuse.

I knew exactly what I was doing; I wasn't drunk at all. lolol

Don't blame/judge me, though, because these were beautiful New York boys, and I had smoky eyes and rosary beads and leather stiletto boots. So, naturally we'd have to get together on the dancefloor! LOL, no, I didn't sleep with them. But, their lips were everywhere ;)

OK enough bragging!

One more week of school!

Apparently, Harry Potter and Lady GaGa are instruments of the Illuminati to numb and control our minds.

RAH RAH OH LA LA!<3

Listen. The Roman Catholic Church isn't as bad as people say. Without faith, there is nothing to live for. Science is not the only answer. There's more: the whole is greater than the sum of its parts! Read the mystics, read the Ecstasy of Teresa, read Augustine of Hippo, read Merton. They know. They understand.

I like the media sometimes; I like fun things. But, I think sometimes there are things we produce (and perhaps unconsciously) to distract us from God and truth.

I'd like to change that. I think studying the trees won't make us see the forest.

We can all do better, I promise.

"Religion is flawed. Religion is flawed because man is flawed... even this one." --from Dan Brown's Angels and Demons.

ARE YOU JOKING ME? She wants a Long Island frat party over The Bitter End in the Village?

...wtf is going ON? My girl is better than this. No more seedy bars :'( I feel like a pearl amongst swine.

...if she doesn't go with me, I don't care. I'm going to the city. 1. That boy is too cute and and sophisticated (not to mention gorgeous) 2. Julie will be there. 3. I'm going to lose Anna and Lili if I don't show up to one of those places soon.

THE CITY IS MOANING AND PANTING FOR ME! I've got to make her, you know, come ;) It's the nice thing to do.

p.s. one of those Long Beach losers texted me two seconds ago with, 'are you raging tonight?' Who the hell says that? OMG GO AWAY!

"Why are we going so slow?"

"Excuse me?"

"Are you deaf, as well as stupid? I said, why are we going so slow? People are waiting for me."

##

One of the bitches in my social psych group took fucking forever on her part so I only had four minutes to say everything I needed to say. WAKE UP!

Ooooh, Heaven knows, Heaven knows, Heaven knows, Heaven knows!
Ooooh, falling free, falling free, falling free, falling free ;)

I FEEL LOOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOO-OOOOVE!

"do they only stand
By ignorance, is that their happy state,
The proof of their obedience and their faith?"

--John Milton, Paradise Lost, Book 4: 518-520

I think most of the people in my University are inbred and vapid.

Good lord.

I'm so mean. I'm burning in Hell!

...it's not my fault, though!

O.K. O.K. O.K. Shut up.

Twitter is rotting people's brains. That idiot I once thought I had feelings for lives on Twitter and I (like a total loser) used to look at it everyday! I couldn't take it anymore, because it was making me numb and stupid. Really! One-hundred and forty characters to say one ridiculous thought. Most people I know say, "just had a great sandwich at X Cafe in the lower east side." Who gives a shit? What do you have to prove? That idiot says things like, "I am such an abundant person; I listen to heavy metal and eat vegetarian tacos." Fuck your tacos. I'd rather hear a story. Tell me a story! Look deep, please. I know we can do it. Life is so amazing! Don't live so you can Tweet.

I wish the Internet would die. Though, if it never existed, then I never would have met... my friend. My friend who I love so much, but he doesn't know how much. We began talking online because my other friend (girl) knew him and gave me his screen name. This was back in 2003. She liked him. Oh well. She lied to me about everything, so I never even knew she liked him till I found out through someone else. We actually met a few months later and since then I haven't gotten his dark blue eyes and the touch of his hand on mine out of my dreams. No matter who I kiss... I wonder what his kiss would be like. No matter what whispers or caresses... they'd never be as sweet as his. No matter how deeply I've gone with someone... never as deep as him.

...and he runs away.

Fine. Run. Go. Happens all the time, and I've seen that life is about letting people go and do their thing.

Just stop coming back and squeezing my heart the way you do... tempting me, leaving me hanging by a breath.

*sigh*

Happy 21st tomorrow, mon chere. Je t'aime, toujours. Je suis désolé je ne peux pas venir à votre fête...

...like you came to mine<3 (I loved you so much that night)

1. E-mail Geyer brochure
2. E-mail Geyer the Newman note
3. Bring 4 papers Monday: two copies of two questions (Toyota and McClaren) through research
4. Last day of class: hand in 'crisis plan' paper on Toyota. Geyer will e-mail me an outline

:)

...I think she's pregnant. That would explain her wicked-witchiness. It's O.K. though, girl!

That other bitch better have gotten my pp slides!

I refuse to be sitting in my room growing fat.

1. Write to Armani; talk, talk about how wonderful everything was (I mean, it really was) and slip them my new resume ;)
2. Go to Debbie's tomorrow and sign up to take care of those bratty, rich, over-pampered-- I mean, cute, adorable children who need taking-care-of while their mommies an daddies work. As long as it's $$. And Bree's there.
3. Send that annoying fat bitch the annoying fat fucking slides for our power-point presentation Thursday (STOP FREAKING ME OUT ABOUT IT!).
4. E-mail Professor Geyer (AKA Wicked Witch of the Eastern European Jew) and be all defensive yet weepy (I'm good at that)
5. Text Anna to make sure she still wants me to go to all those places in the city
6. Take care of Raphie, my kitten (who is now wearing a neck brace so that he doesn't lick his surgery stitches... I want to cry)
7. Be nicer to my mom
8. Stop eating so much
9. Stop smoking, period.
10. Pray
11. Go to bed fucking early for once!


STOP CALLING! I left my head and my heart on the dance-floor.


And I smell your cologne in the air...

What am I doing? What?

I don't know what's going on, because this whole world is so strange. It makes me feel so alone.

I'm confused. I'm confused and I'm being led around by all these people and I don't feel like anyone's telling me the truth!

Ugh, I'm rambling.

O.K. cohesiveness back. NOW.

There's my friend, and she's got problems and all her friends have problems. And I really dig her, she's so cool. But, with her come all these problems! Especially drinking! It's an ugly world when you drink a lot. I hate drinking.

I also hate hypocrites, and I just get this feeling that she's a hypocrite. I mean, for one, she drinks every single day... and when you have to do that, you're just lying to yourself. So, that's hypocrisy right there. And, also, she has all these conflicting opinions, to the point where I don't know who she's loyal to or what she really believes in.

I don't know, maybe I'm looking for perfection. I think she's so cool; I don't want to lose my trust in her, but I feel like it is going.

I HATE SEEDY BARS!

I also hate those stuck-up clubs in the city.

Can someone just get a coffee with me and talk about a good movie? Or take a walk with me in the park? Go to the museum? Go to Europe? Read some manga (haha!)?

Caracoles. Quitame de aqui!

I just read an entry of mine that was dated about a year ago. It was about a bad date or something...

Now, I ask myself: who was I? LOL!

I guess I was someone who wasn't really in control of herself. I suppose that's O.K. It's just very mind-boggling because I'm very far away from that girl. I don't really crave the same things I used to, like chaos and unhealthy people. I would never look twice now at the people I did back then.

*knocks on wood*

Maybe it's about being honest to yourself. You know, being nice to yourself. Funny how you can become used to being unkind to yourself, and hating yourself.

Well, anyway, I think all the thoughts and feelings I've been having these past few months have finally come to a head: I really, really don't like public relations. I may be good at it, but I'm also good a lot of other things that just aren't my passion.

Real secret? I'm a writer. I'm also a pretty decent singer/dancer. I've got a lot of stage presence. I haven't been able to dance so well in the past two year because I hurt my neck (or, rather, I allowed someone else to hurt it. Don't want to talk about it.) but I still go to clubs and stuff when I can.

So, public relations isn't really my forté, because I don't feel like it's an appropriate outlet for my creativity.

...$80 thousand, a Giorgio Armani internship in Manhattan, and a BA degree later. I graduate in May.

*sigh*

Well, at least I can get a really decent job now and work off my student loans and can go to school! I wouldn't want my mother paying more for my University education. She's got enough problems.

I'd love to go to NYU! Study creative writing there. This Friday, I'll visit the campus and see who I can talk to. I'm a Dean's List student and I have loads of activities on my resume! I can do it!

This makes me feel so much better about life. Now, I don't feel so guilty about hating PR.

Please, please, please God let this work!

...and let me get the holiday part-time at Godiva ;)

What the hell do I do? What?

...I hate my career choice; I've hated it ever since day one but I've gritted my teeth through it.

Now, I'm a semester away from graduating and I don't know what to do.

I don't even know who I am!

...am I a good friend? Do I not listen carefully enough? Do I take people for granted?

What am I doing!?

Do I get that tattoo I think is pretty cool or go to the Christian Lacroix sample sale? Do I want to rebel or conform?

AH, EVERYTHING'S ALWAYS SO BLACK OR WHITE WITH ME! Why can't I just ever be? Why can't I find middle ground?

Why is society putting so much pressure on me? If I want to be a good-hearted, generous, useful and responsible individual, I'll do it when I want and how I want! I want it to come from the heart, not because it looks good on paper or a resume!

Does anyone even understand? ...you have passion burning inside you, but you just don't know where to let it out?

I write fantasy stories about angels and demons and Messiahs and magicians; I write about societal judgment and control; I write about sex and fear; I write about New York; I love Lady GaGa; I want to be Madonna era 1982, smoking a cigarette outside a club with a boombox playing the track I just recorded.

I want to be an archangel.